It's been a real long time since I ever last blogged. Every problem I had, I have been keeping inside me. There's nobody I can share with. So many problems. My family situation has definitely improved. However, there are still problems occurring on and off. It has never been a peaceful life. I never knew my boyfriend would give me any problems cause he has always been there for me. There were so many times so many things happened, and me with nobody to turn to. End up, I always thought of typing it here but I never wanted the whole world to know. But now, I feel everything is falling apart. I know my situation is not as bad as those who has nothing. But the feeling I have now, I feel I don't deserve it. All I have been doing is to love others and only care for everybody around me. Why is it that my life is never simple as I want it to be. Why can't somebody just simply love me for who I am and show me some love as much as I show the world I care for every little thing (except house lizards).

My boyfriend and I have always been fighting on and off about almost everything last time. And ever since, our relationship has constantly improving at the end of every fight, despite many breakups and patches. Suddenly, after school start, I felt life was going great between him and me. I made good friends in my current new school, and many times tried to bond together with them. But there were times things doesn't turn out as expected which leads to me missing my previous friends. However, I am certain they have their new friends to hang out and I won't want to bother them. Anyways back to my boyfriend and me. When school started, I admit I was caught up with school too much sometimes I tend to leave him alone. But I do think about him everywhere I go, it's a usual thing. Cause he makes me happy, he keeps my cheerful side going. I started trying to give him some time after he voiced out. And everything went great until he started being busy and seem to forgotten about me. After he stopped working, he's been playing games everyday which made me start wondering if he still wanted to see me. I know it is a mushy thing to be typing in a blog. But right now, this is all I feel that happened. He began to be so busy, we stopped going that much. Always going his house to meet him. I didn't mind cause where ever it may be, seeing his face gives me hope that even when everything is not going right in my life, he will be there with me to see through it all together. That, was all I needed in a day to make that day complete. After awhile, I noticed we stopped going out and started to feel like he did not like going out with me so I questioned him and pestered him to bring me out once in awhile instead of staying home playing games and using the com.

And sweetly, he did. We went to Sentosa and that was definitely a day to remember. We spent the entire day together with no interruptions and I wished it would never end. It reminded me of the time we went to Fort canning park right after he met up with my dad for the first time. That day was the first official date that my dad approved, it made us both so happy that finally, we cleared an obstacle in our relationship. And every since then, we were hoping everything will go smoothly as compared to last time where I have to hide here and there and be secretive. But a lesson learnt here is that there's always an obstacle after the other has been cleared. and with the wrong steps, we'll lose everything.

A few days after Sentosa trip, he was so busy with his NCC and camps, I felt he didn't care for me that much as last time when he had so much time. After awhile, I understood he had somethings to handle and under stress. So instead of thinking about going out or doing things together, I thought of helping him. I knew it was my mistakes that I gave him extra unnecessary pressure and I apologized. Everything went well then on.

Till a few days ago, out of the blue, he told me something about not able to visualize us being together in the future and I got disappointed. It's been a long time since I had big hopes for this relationship and to suddenly hear such thing on a fine day came to a big shock to me in a bad way. Ever since that day, I have been thinking about it and I started to feel as if he lost feelings for me and it was quite saddening for me. For so many years of feelings and trust towards him, it was very sad. It was only today when he told me what he meant. I did feel slightly better but this afternoon, I asked him a similar question about whether he was feeling the same as before. He did not want to talk about it so I assumed that he was feeling the same. So for the entire day, I did not really have the mood. At that point, I was shopping but did not bother walking around finding for things cause with no mood, there's no heart for anything else.

After knowing how he truly felt, I feel quite cheated. Honestly, cheated. He did not find other girls or anything. But the fact that he could not see us being together next time was because I was immature and other reasons. And for so many times, I do have my immature side, but I do have my sweet side and a mature side. I have really no idea why he says that. I feel he doesn't know me and it is really saddening. After for so long of friends, since secondary 2 we have known each other till now, he still has not know who I really am. For so many times I've changed for the better, why does he not see who I am. I agree our thinking is different, sometimes way different. But its not I am immature, he is too mature, in the sense that he is thinking so deep into so many other things which only adults are concern. I admit it is offensive to hear these things but I really do not think that is the issue right now. Now he says he's not ready for a relationship with so many things happening to him, the constraints. I do try my best to understand what he was going through but I gave so many other options, why do I still end up getting none. I am afraid that this relationship will die out. And when that happens, The cheerful side is definitely gone. I've been through this before, and I am afraid it is going to happen. I do truly love this man, but why is this relationship getting more complicated every step we take. For so long, I've always received signs that he is the man for me. Though I try not to think so deeply into it, its been so long that it is been tattooed into my head. I wish and hope and pray this relationship won't go down the drain.

I hope he read this and understands me.

Its not that I want to shoot him back during fights, but in my perspective, this is how I feel. All I want was to make things better, not worse.

I miss and love him very very much.

Currently I am tearing to a song, 'When you believe' by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston.

This song somehow gives me hope that this relationship will not end if I believe. It's true. But while listening to this song and typing the above, it's sad just thinking about it.