Sweetest love.
Monday, June 28, 2010 | 1:06 AM
28o61o,
Dear Diary,
It's been a real long time since I ever last blogged. Every problem I had, I have been keeping inside me. There's nobody I can share with. So many problems. My family situation has definitely improved. However, there are still problems occurring on and off. It has never been a peaceful life. I never knew my boyfriend would give me any problems cause he has always been there for me. There were so many times so many things happened, and me with nobody to turn to. End up, I always thought of typing it here but I never wanted the whole world to know. But now, I feel everything is falling apart. I know my situation is not as bad as those who has nothing. But the feeling I have now, I feel I don't deserve it. All I have been doing is to love others and only care for everybody around me. Why is it that my life is never simple as I want it to be. Why can't somebody just simply love me for who I am and show me some love as much as I show the world I care for every little thing (except house lizards).
My boyfriend and I have always been fighting on and off about almost everything last time. And ever since, our relationship has constantly improving at the end of every fight, despite many breakups and patches. Suddenly, after school start, I felt life was going great between him and me. I made good friends in my current new school, and many times tried to bond together with them. But there were times things doesn't turn out as expected which leads to me missing my previous friends. However, I am certain they have their new friends to hang out and I won't want to bother them. Anyways back to my boyfriend and me. When school started, I admit I was caught up with school too much sometimes I tend to leave him alone. But I do think about him everywhere I go, it's a usual thing. Cause he makes me happy, he keeps my cheerful side going. I started trying to give him some time after he voiced out. And everything went great until he started being busy and seem to forgotten about me. After he stopped working, he's been playing games everyday which made me start wondering if he still wanted to see me. I know it is a mushy thing to be typing in a blog. But right now, this is all I feel that happened. He began to be so busy, we stopped going that much. Always going his house to meet him. I didn't mind cause where ever it may be, seeing his face gives me hope that even when everything is not going right in my life, he will be there with me to see through it all together. That, was all I needed in a day to make that day complete. After awhile, I noticed we stopped going out and started to feel like he did not like going out with me so I questioned him and pestered him to bring me out once in awhile instead of staying home playing games and using the com.
And sweetly, he did. We went to Sentosa and that was definitely a day to remember. We spent the entire day together with no interruptions and I wished it would never end. It reminded me of the time we went to Fort canning park right after he met up with my dad for the first time. That day was the first official date that my dad approved, it made us both so happy that finally, we cleared an obstacle in our relationship. And every since then, we were hoping everything will go smoothly as compared to last time where I have to hide here and there and be secretive. But a lesson learnt here is that there's always an obstacle after the other has been cleared. and with the wrong steps, we'll lose everything.
A few days after Sentosa trip, he was so busy with his NCC and camps, I felt he didn't care for me that much as last time when he had so much time. After awhile, I understood he had somethings to handle and under stress. So instead of thinking about going out or doing things together, I thought of helping him. I knew it was my mistakes that I gave him extra unnecessary pressure and I apologized. Everything went well then on.
Till a few days ago, out of the blue, he told me something about not able to visualize us being together in the future and I got disappointed. It's been a long time since I had big hopes for this relationship and to suddenly hear such thing on a fine day came to a big shock to me in a bad way. Ever since that day, I have been thinking about it and I started to feel as if he lost feelings for me and it was quite saddening for me. For so many years of feelings and trust towards him, it was very sad. It was only today when he told me what he meant. I did feel slightly better but this afternoon, I asked him a similar question about whether he was feeling the same as before. He did not want to talk about it so I assumed that he was feeling the same. So for the entire day, I did not really have the mood. At that point, I was shopping but did not bother walking around finding for things cause with no mood, there's no heart for anything else.
After knowing how he truly felt, I feel quite cheated. Honestly, cheated. He did not find other girls or anything. But the fact that he could not see us being together next time was because I was immature and other reasons. And for so many times, I do have my immature side, but I do have my sweet side and a mature side. I have really no idea why he says that. I feel he doesn't know me and it is really saddening. After for so long of friends, since secondary 2 we have known each other till now, he still has not know who I really am. For so many times I've changed for the better, why does he not see who I am. I agree our thinking is different, sometimes way different. But its not I am immature, he is too mature, in the sense that he is thinking so deep into so many other things which only adults are concern. I admit it is offensive to hear these things but I really do not think that is the issue right now. Now he says he's not ready for a relationship with so many things happening to him, the constraints. I do try my best to understand what he was going through but I gave so many other options, why do I still end up getting none. I am afraid that this relationship will die out. And when that happens, The cheerful side is definitely gone. I've been through this before, and I am afraid it is going to happen. I do truly love this man, but why is this relationship getting more complicated every step we take. For so long, I've always received signs that he is the man for me. Though I try not to think so deeply into it, its been so long that it is been tattooed into my head. I wish and hope and pray this relationship won't go down the drain.
I hope he read this and understands me.
Its not that I want to shoot him back during fights, but in my perspective, this is how I feel. All I want was to make things better, not worse.
I miss and love him very very much.
Currently I am tearing to a song, 'When you believe' by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston.
This song somehow gives me hope that this relationship will not end if I believe. It's true. But while listening to this song and typing the above, it's sad just thinking about it.
Lyrics
Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could
There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe
In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove(s) in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say
There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe
They don't (always happen) when you ask
(Oh)
And it's easy to give in to your fears
(Oh...Ohhhh)
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
(A small but )still resilient voice
Says (hope is very near)
(Ohhh)
There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It's hard to kill
(Hard to kill, Ohhh)
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will(somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe
You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe~
Hope you'll never leave me..
):
Sweetest love.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 | 11:28 PM
o9o21o,
Dear Diary,
FUCK MY PARENTS! seriously! unreasonable bunch of people!!
I listen to what they say but they want more.
My dad fucking said he allowed me to go out with other guys but not Justin. And just because I was already too close to him. And because I already lied to him last time so that i could go out with him. But i did say sorry, so what else does he fucking want! I already told him i cut down everything,
I WONT go out with him too often,
I WONT meet his family anymore,
I WONT go his house anymore,
I WONT go out with him 1 to 1 only,
Issent it already cutting down already. On my part, its hard to cut down but i still did it. I've met his parents for almost a year, and suddenly I stop meeting them, who knows they'll think I suddenly dislike them. All because my parents didnt want me to be so close in relationship.
I have to pull friends so that i could go meet him, and most of my friends always think that they feel so odd going out with us like lamp post. And i had to do all that just because my parents was afraid he'd do something bad to me. But think bout it, if he wanted to do something bad to me, won't he have already done it during that 1 year of relationship, why wait till now!
Dont you agree my parents are being too unreasonable when I already fucking OBEY what they want yet now they come and tell me, I just dont like you going out with him. WHAT THE FUCK MAN. whats wrong with you! We were planning on a hike tomorrow, just walking from place to place, trying to spend as little money as possible and no forms of transport, visiting tourist attraction and basically excisising at the same time. and it is totally unreasonable to tell me that they just dont want me to go out with him. LIKE SERIOUSLY, what bad things can he possibly do to me on a HIKE!?!?!???
I REALLY WISH MY PARENTS WERE READING ALL THIS CAUSE YOU ARE SERIOUSLY BEING TOOO UNREASONABLE AND OVER PROTECTIVE.
Though Im a girl, but I HAVE A RIGHT to be treated as a normal human! NOT A PRISONER. Told my dad that since he still doesnt trust us at all, why dont he meet with Justin but nooo, he doesnt what. he totally dont want to solve things, he just wants things HIS WAY. Always saying its to protect me, for my safety, But hear this, the more u mess a child's life, the more the child is rebellous. and this is true. Fucking selfish unreasonable human being.
Sweetest love.
Saturday, January 23, 2010 | 5:14 AM
23o12o1o,
Dear Diary,
Today started off well. Went to his house and got ready to go out with his mum and him. We went to causeway point together for lunch. Wanted to eat seoul garden but it was already 30mins passed the student offer, and the original price was very very expensive, it was especially not worth it when we were not very hungry. so we ended up eating at jack's place. Justin's mum had beef steak, Justin had a Mixed grill and I had breaded fish with fries.
After lunch, we walked around. Justin gotten two new polo tees. and at around 7 plus, I had to go so I said my goodbyes. And walked around the pasar malam awhile to look for some sour plums for my grandma and headed to amk to meet my parents.
That was all for the day. but now, its 5.33am. And you know why i'm not asleep? Cause I simply have no mood to sleep. Justin and I just quarrelled. You see, though we seem like a perfect couple, always so loving, meeting each other everyday. But at night, we quarrel almost everynight on the phone. None of us want to fight. Usually we end off by both saying sorry and drop the subject. Endings arent always smooth, sometimes, our fights leads to breaks and break-ups. And like most nights, I'll fucking end up crying and have fucking swollen eyes the fuckngt next day. Why do I cry? Well, thats cause I fucking care about this fucking relationship and I have fucking feelings that always kena fucking hurt. BUT NO ONE FUCKING CARES! Well, let me ask you a question,
IF SOMEBODY YOU LOVE, GIVES AN UNEXPECTED NEGATIVE COMMENT. would you feel hurt? You would care how that somebody feels about it right! Issent that one reason why everybody always dress their best when they are meeting their loved ones?
I am no robot! I have a heart. telling you to just think of how I would feel before hurting my feelings, issit so hard? if so, doesnt it mean that you dont really care about how i feel AT ALL? being yourself and your selfish ways more important than the people around you?!
For all who wanted to know what happened, it was my fucking stupid idea of a romantic time with him. I just felt we had lesser alone time. SERIOUSLY! when was the last time we went out together alone?! when was the last time we enjoyed each other's company so much without any interruptions?!! where are those times! Or do you think that its a waste of time or its 'not fun' just being with me!! Nowadays, all I am hearing is you find me irritating. But what the fuck did I fucking do to ALWAYS make you so irritated?!? I showed you more love than you did which you totally took forgranted of me. What more do you want. You keep tempting me to leave you but I WONT! Cause I still fucking love you, but why dont you fucking get that in your head! I listen to you, but you also get angry, scold me that I'm being more of a secretary than a girlfriend. But I listen to you cause I love you and want you to be happy. Like that, you also not happy. What you want me to do?!?!?!! I'm trying my best to be the perfect girlfriend but whatever I do, I fail. You no longer encourage me or make me happy. Issit because its been 1 whole year already and you got sick and tired of me? You said no, but instead of always fucking scolding me and trying to find whose fault, why you dont try to stop it. I give in to you, I listen to you. But like that, you also dont give me any chance. I know you dont like me comparing myself to your exs, but now is the last time I'm ever gonna even talk about it, I know I cant be as cool, as fun, as pretty, as smart as any of your exs, but if you really do love me, why dont you love me for who I am. Why cant you be the guy you always tell me to find(the one where you said 'there are other guys are better than me').
Recently when you started to change every of our picture to other pictures, it already kept me thinking. Issit you seen too much of me till you are sick and tired of seeing me? What happened to the 'looking through my photos and telling me how much you love me'. What happened to all the sweet moments we use to have.
Parents are already a problem for me.
Fuck life. Fuck blogger. it erased alot of my words.
Sweetest love.
Sunday, January 03, 2010 | 3:22 AM
o2o12o1o,
Dear Diary,
A happy 2010! I'm very very contented with my welcome of this year. I came back from malaysia on the 31st of december 2009 and was on time for countdown. I was planning to celebrate countdown with Justin but my parents wanted to celebrate it with me! And I was kinda disappointed cause I had to make a decision between my family and my boyfriend and it was hard. At 11.30, I was lying on my bed talking to Justin, expecting to have the worst countdown ever. In the end, my parents came into the room at 11.45pm saying I cound go countdown with my friends. Immediately, I jumped up and my dad drove me all the way to the house. And on the dot at 12 mid night, when fireworks shot up in the sky, I was standing at the door giving everybody a surprise. It was one of the happiest moments, thats for sure. We had toast, and I had not ONE but TWO presents. One was a bag made out of a chiong sam material which I loved it so much. And the other was another bag with red and white stripes and a very nice soft pillow like material and a big ribbon which totally matched one of my shoes, I was very touched cause that really proves how much he notices about me. hahahah. Anyhow, I really enjoyed myself there and wished it lasted longer, sadly, I had to go home by 2am, it was a real mood spoiler!
The next day which is today, my dad suddenly wanted to throw a random bbq dinner which at first I wanted, but my bro said he couldn't make it home in time for dinner so the idea was dumped aside for awhile. Then my bro called back again and said he'll make it for dinner but by then, I already had plans to joing Justin and his parents to go new year visiting at his uncle's house. So I told my dad and left. Though I did enjoy spending another day with him, I still wished it lasted longer cause today, time really seemed to pass so damn fast.
Yet now, though I'm very happy that I managed to spend more precious moments with him, I'm having this guilt in my head. I want to be with Justin, yet I want my parents to enjoy themselves too. Am I being a bad daughter? I really feel I am yet I miss him when I', with my parents alone. Cause my bros aren't there to keep the liveliness and my parents will focus only on me and start talking about this and that which I don't like talking to them about. I'm sorry, but sometimes I do find my parents annoying.
If only they approved of our relationship in the first place, my life wont be that much of a problem. Everything will be so much smoother cause I wont need to hide anything from anyone. But now that I am, I feel terrible sometimes but I have to, for my own happiness, I have to.
I wont leave him thats for sure. I just wish and need my parents to give up and let me be with him, just him and no other guys, only him. I love him only.
Loves
Sweetest love.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 | 9:11 PM
23o92oo9,
Dear Diary,
Missed me? It's been such a long long time since I last touched this blog. its horribly dead.
Prelim exams are almost over, tomorrow is the last paper, Art. Its a freaking THREE hours paper man! My butt is sure to burn. hahah.
These few days have been absolutely great. I studied hard for my prelims but I guess after my physics and accounts paper, I sort of gave up hope on my A1s. I wonder if anybody feels the same pressure as I do, parents hitting you with the "ALL A1s" lecture, both brothers' results to compete, grandmother to prove wrong and above all, a boyfriend to be proud of me. I may seem like a slacker but I do study, just that I'm lazy and I die die have to go out of the house. I totally can't lock myself up at home, I'll just die.
Talking about leaving the house.. I went to Justin's house today. Though tomorrow's paper is Art and I have to prepare 5 boards for tomorrow. I'm glad at least I've already started ABIT, well it is better than none. At first, I was planning to go his house to do my Art. But we also planned to bake a cake! A delicious mouth-watering butter cake! For a first time cake baker, I guess we did pretty well. We had so much fun we floured on each others' faces! Everything went messy. But the batter was still pretty neat! I felt like we accomplished something together today. Today felt special. Justin's brother kept checking the oven if the cake was done, and I was glad he did. We set the cake to bake for 55 mins but I guess roughly 30mins, it was already done.
Today was such an enjoyably day. One moment I'll always remember from this baking experience was when he hugged me from behind and wrapping his giant hands around mine, we poured the mixture into the baking tray together. At that moment, he bent over and kissed me on the cheek. The feeling certainly brightened up my day, it felt like those perfect advertisement couples you see on television. A feeling that I'd hope it'll never have to fade away.
When it was time to go home. He was supposed to accompany me to Toa Payoh Station. But as we were on our way to Yishun Station, he had a call and told me he couldn't follow me to Toa Payoh. Instead, he could only accompany me to the Yishun MRT station. I was disappointed. We said our goodbyes, and as I tapped into the station, I looked back and he disappeared into the crowd. I dragged my drooping spirit up the escalator and waited for the train. Just then, an enormous dark figure stood infront of me. It was Justin. He gave me a surprise that brought tears of joy upon my eyes. He held out his hands and gave me a packet of KinderBueno. Found out he had planned it all out for the surprise and took the opportunity to buy a packet of KinderBueno when it was still 4 minutes to train's arrival. Fortunately, the surprise did not stop there. After reaching Toa Payoh Station, he told me he was going to send me all the way home. How sweet of him. After reaching my house, we had a plate of hokkein mee from a coffeeshop near by. It was delicious. After eating, we parted our own ways without a goodbye kiss. Normally, its a usual thing that we have a goodbye kiss before ending the day. But as there were a lot of people in the coffeeshop, I guess he felt paiseh.
After reaching home, unpacked my bag, watched some television, I realised I needed to buy A3 paper for my Art. So as I was leaving my house again, I msged him. To my surprise again, he was still at the bus stop waiting for the bus. My poor baby, came all the way down and got stuck at the miserable bus stop. So I ran to company him at the bus stop before the bus could arrive. But turned out he missed a bus to meet me and waited for the next bus. hahah.
Here are some photos of us baking!(:
Justin sieving the flour.
Us, together.
Good times will never be forgotten.
Great times will always be treasured.
THIS IS OUR YUMMY DELICIOUS BUTTER CAKEE!!! (:
I love him a lot and every moment spent, will always be recorded down somewhere. We've been together for months, but I'm waiting for a lifetime.
Loves!
Sweetest love.
Monday, September 07, 2009 | 11:56 PM
o7o92oo9,
Dear Diary,
Life is so horrible towards me.
I love him so much, life without him is beyond imaginable. I've gone to a stage where I've gone so deep. Willing to sacrifice anything for him to be with me. I just need him to know that.
i love you...
xoxo
Sweetest love.
Monday, August 10, 2009 | 10:31 PM
10o82oo9,
Dear Diary,
Firstly, i would like to wish everybody Happy National Day! Its been great for the past few days and months.
Actually, I have a lot of stories to share but its totally impossible to remember and type it all down. haha. But anyways, recently we had a national day celebration in school last friday. It was also my classmate's birthday! Happy belated birthday Vic! We had a huge cake of the Singapore flag. Oh ya, we had a successful mass that day too. congrats!
Wanted to type something but erased it.but nevermind. basically, I'm sorry to those who always decline. I'm very sorry.
